Status of the Day

2012-01-25T20:59:00.000-08:00

Agatha: You know you are tired and over committed when you manage to leave a CELLO in Denver. Yes, I got all the way home to Boulder and then had to take 3.5 hours out of my day to drive back in rush hour traffic. Tell me about a BLONDE MOMENT!!!

2011-04-07T22:55:00.001-07:00

Agatha: Definitely just quoted Miley Cyrus and MC Hammer in a college humanities paper. I can't tell if I am shocked or proud of myself.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The future generation of America.

2011-04-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

Harvey: Our kid is moving around a ton! Seeing his head move across my wife's belly reminds me of the movie tremors with kevin bacon.

2011-03-25T12:18:00.001-07:00

Women of the world: If you're not a sports fan, don't try to fake it.

2011-02-19T09:25:00.000-08:00

Agatha: Didn't get much sleep last night due to too much coffee and because you don't fall asleep while "Die Hard" is on. I could've stopped it and went to bed but that'd be like peeing on The Constitution.

It's true. A huge fight broke out when James Madison told Gouverneur Morris to omit "YIPPIE KAI YAY MOTHER #@$!#%$*!!!!" from the preamble.

2011-01-21T19:12:00.000-08:00

Harvey: well ill be honest with ya.... that aint worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin it on

2010-10-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

As opposed to the OTHER Hogwarts House tests that are based in a fantasy world. (I HATE it when I take Facebook tests and they LIE TO ME.)

2010-09-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

Agatha: PHILLLLLY >> does anyone have a giant plastic inflatable diplodocus? i need it for my set.

2010-09-08T22:33:00.000-07:00

Agatha: Is praying for my other 'family', heeling will take place ♥

Heeling? As in, what obedient dogs do?

2010-08-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

Agatha: funny: A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center says: 'Keep off the Grass.'

2010-07-29T06:33:00.000-07:00

Agatha: cool i can transfer money online.

Welcome to the 21st century, little one.

2010-07-22T06:20:00.001-07:00

Harvey: I WALKED BAREFOOT ON A BONFIRE TONIGHT TO GET ATTENTION....it worked.

2010-07-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

Agatha: "Joe likes the cool side of the pillow." "Jess likes delicious food." "Bill likes hitting the snooze button." Can we just start a fan page called "all the same crap that everyone else likes" and be done with it?

2010-06-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

Agatha: according to facebook my soulmate is waiting for me at plentyoffish.com . . . sounds fishy.

The best part about this status came in an ensuing comment, which read: "you can't reely know for sure but he's probably a catch."

2010-06-21T22:49:00.001-07:00

Harvey: I think its about time I step things up.......time to start becoming more awsome.

Comment proceeding immediately thereafter: "

You should start by spelling awesome right."

2010-06-21T07:30:00.001-07:00

Agatha: I gave a lost hiker quite a shock today as he stumbled apon me in the middle of the woods sunbathing... topless

Harvey: Did u know that when some1 annoys u, it takes 42 muscles to frown, But it only takes 4 muscles to extend ur arm out and smack'em in the head

2010-06-17T12:35:00.001-07:00

Harvey: Going to a job interview today...wow, that actually sounds pretty promising. Of course so did the 25¢ peep show I wandered into last night. And let me tell ya: you get what you pay for. No, less -- you get less than what you pay for. Especially in the teeth department.

2010-06-10T15:01:00.001-07:00

Agatha: Got to first base three weeks in a row!!!!

2010-06-07T21:14:00.000-07:00

Agatha: how are you supposed to write a one page reflection on your thoughts about graphing functions?...um...they suck, the end.

2010-06-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

Agatha: After his bedtime shower, Alec snuck outside and was in the dirt, I cried, "Alec! What were you thinking?!" He looked at me seriously and replied, "I was thinking about bugs."

2010-05-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

Agatha: I am so distraught over being called a shemale today that I must now go to my shemales anonymous meeting to repair the major damage that was done over the mere sound of the word shemale. Oh the horrible horible pain! I am now too embarassed to paint on fake mustaches and talk about my metaphorical penis anymore... oh the humanity.

2010-05-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

Agatha: The BEST question i was asked all day: "Is Hebrew the official language of Germany?"

2010-05-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

Harvey: a pack of sabertooth tigers should be called saberteeth tigers. just sayin.

2010-05-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

Agatha: A girl in my class just introduced herself like this: "Hi, my name is Mercedes... Currently my crotch is kinda numb..."

2010-05-04T06:27:00.000-07:00

Agatha: May the fourth be with you, and have a happy Star Wars day! Now I'm off to take a legal ethics test...yeah right like that even exists.

2010-04-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

Agatha: was urinated on by a baby bunny...AGAIN.

2010-03-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

Agatha: I finally got a job for this summer - well, two actually - but I finally found something that will equal 8 weeks of work. I swear, should it be THAT hard to find a place for a person attending a super prestigious law school to work for two months for FREE?? I don't even want to think about how hard it will be to find actual PAID work next year!

FYI, that "super prestigious law school" referred to herein is HARVARD. And you thought the recession was treating you bad!

2010-03-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

Harvey: My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. --He said okay, you're ugly too.

2009-12-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

Agatha: im going to drink beer and eat pizza and no one can effing stop me.

Agatha: the other day I went to petco while dressed like princess Leia. I saw this little old lady all bundled up because of the cold. She was really short. I had this really powerful urge to scream "AAAHHH an Ewok!"... but I didn't.

2009-10-20T12:20:00.001-07:00

Agatha: chased a squirrel, pet some miniature pygmy goats, and kid-wrangled. Human kids, not goat kids. It is much like herding cats.

That's weird. I didn't know Amish people had Facebooks??

Agatha: is a platypus who almost got her raspberry fix last night...

You know what's funny? When somebody puts an inside joke as their status and then NOBODY GETS IT. Oh, wait. THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

Harvey: contemplating onions...

Is everybody on drugs today?!!?

2009-10-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

Harvey: to whatever machine it may concern in the pizza factory, I am thoroughly pissed off at your arrangement of my pepperonis on this pizza. -Switching to California Pizza Kitchen, Harvey. Is this guy HONESTLY complaining about the pepperoni aesthetics of his pizza?? Wow. New low, America.

Agatha: dear Buffalo Wild Wings guy: I am sorry that I accidentally blew you and your note off. You were pretty cute and I would've gone out with you...but I didn't know your note was for me. Sorry : ) Sincerely, Agatha If you think nobody can tell that this is just a roundabout way of gloating to all on Facebook that you got a number today, you're wrong.

2009-10-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

Agatha: Dear Big Toenail- I am sorry I neglected you and now you are no more. You can thank the b of a UNC girl for finally doing away with you. Now you get a clean slate to grow shiny and new. Please return soon, I miss you. Love Always- Your body.

2009-10-12T10:17:00.001-07:00

Agatha: dear mother nature, it's me again...thank you for ignoring everything I asked you to do for me...I'll keep that in mind the next time I worry about global warming. and rockies, I'm not mad, I'm just very cold and a little disappointed. but i'll be over it by game 4...in 13 hours.

Is it just me, or is the "Dear (insert abstract noun here), (complain about something here). Love, Agatha/Harvey" status getting a little old? It seems like EVERY time I log on somebody is talking to Mother Nature. Really? I mean, I would understand if 80% of my friends were Native American or something, but seeing as how this isn't the case, I'm starting to think everybody is delusional. Newsflash: Mother Nature can't hear you! It snowed. Deal. You live in Colorado.

2009-10-03T23:05:00.000-07:00

Harvey: is pooping.

(This status turned out to be a practical joke from his wife. Rad.)

2009-09-30T17:28:00.000-07:00

Agatha: one word: runner's high.

One word, eh?

2009-09-30T17:25:00.001-07:00

Agatha: ...you know its going to be a bad day when you wake up with a Nickleback song stuck in your head. Yuck.

Ain't that the truth!!!

2009-09-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

Agatha: Lesson of the day: The Pussycat Ranch is NOT, in fact, a ranch full of cute little kitties. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Nevada?

That's what you get for waking up in Vegas.

2009-09-24T20:31:00.001-07:00

Agatha: I just cooked about 70 taco shells for 9 hungry people! Where were you? "The Biggest Loser" reunion?

Agatha: sadly lost the salsa making contest by one point! The saddest part is I would have won if I didn't feel so bad about giving myself full pointage while judging! A Candyland girl living in a Russian roulette world. Don't worry, Young Grasshopper. You will learn...

2009-09-22T14:44:00.001-07:00

Agatha: sheesh I haven't updated in forever!...hmm...well I don't really have much to say! And now I can never reclaim the three seconds of my life I just spent reading your nothing of a status. Thanks. Moral of the Story: Just because you haven't updated in forever doesn't mean you should.

2009-09-18T08:55:00.001-07:00

Agatha: Wah. I'm whining. Deal. AWESOME. In my opinion, if you're gonna be a complainer, go all out and have a snotty attitude about it. Sounds like this girl and I could get along :)

2009-09-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

Harvey: Would you be more excited to find 5 dollars on the ground or to win tickets to a wnba playoff game? The best part of this status was the comments after it, which all read "$5."

2009-09-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

Agatha: had a dream that she was producing a musical of "Roseanne" while her brother fought hard to keep opium out of our public schools.Sounds like your brother should be fighting hard to keep opium out of your dresser drawer!

2009-09-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

Harvey: (Insert 9/11 status here).Nice. Way to pay respect to the most devastating national tragedy since Pearl Harbor, dipwad.

2009-09-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

Agatha: Five papers due in one week. Ay carumba! HAHAHA your life sucks right now. Been there.

2009-09-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

Agatha: I want to say something unignorable.... This status makes me want to ignore you forever.

2009-09-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

Agatha: i'm eating the best peach of my life!!! omg! Hey, I've been known to get superfluously excited about superbly sweet, succulent fruit too. Ain't nothin' wrong with that, sista!!!

How did I go from crazy alliteration to 'hood speak? Hmm. I'm tired.

2009-09-06T20:35:00.001-07:00

Harvey: sleeping in + calling frogs + ripping off a retailer that over-charges on all their products (Barnes and Noble) + reading virtually antique books + Dexter + my amazing fresh-baked cookies = one awesome Sunday. I really only just posted this status because I wanted to use the words "calling frogs" in a blog post.

Harvey: The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Please tell me this is a quote by:

A) Jessica Simpson

B) Arnold Schwarzenneger

C) George W. Bush

2009-09-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

Agatha: thinks Derek should never be allowed to bite anyone. Ever. :-P If you're going to live out your Edward Cullen fantasies, please don't broadcast it. And maybe carry a silver stake the next time you're around Derek.

2009-09-03T14:21:00.001-07:00

Harvey: believes no one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day. That's right...because a responsible electorate pressures the government through...FB statuses.

Harvey: healthy snack of the day; bowl of croutons, some shredded cheese and ranch dressing! yum! Weird. I thought "healthy snacks" constituted--oh, I dunno--fruits, vegetables, complex carbs, proteins, omega-3 fatty acids and the like. Looks like I've been terribly misinformed! Buttered bread, fatty dairy and Sodium City, here I come! P.S. Learn how to use a semi-colon, Harvey.

2009-09-02T19:18:00.000-07:00

Agatha: So burn that flag if you must! But before you do, you'd better burn a few other things! You'd better burn your shirt and your pants! Be sure to burn your TV and car! Oh yeah, and don't forget to burn your house! Because none of those things would exist without six red stripes, seven white stripes, and A HELLUVA LOT A STARS!!

2009-09-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

Agatha: after a long day of my internship I am in a 3 hour class UGH!!!!!!!!

Awwwww, is puhtting your nose to the gwindstone a wittle stwenuous?? Adult wesponsibilwities are a weally hardsy, huh!

2009-08-30T10:31:00.001-07:00

Harvey: For a loner car while they are fixing my car, they gave me a chick's car that has pink kitty's on the seat covers and a pink butterfly in the window. FML...

Oh, how I love FML statuses. For those of you who don't know, "FML" means f--- my life. And no, I don't mean frog or fart. It's a recent phenomenon amongst Generation Y'ers where, if something goes mildly wrong in their day, they write about it in their status and attach the "FML" bookend for emphasis. At which point they log off Facebook/Twitter, go up to their air conditioned room and eat Ding-Dongs while watching MTV on the plasma mommy and daddy bought them for getting all A's last semester. FML, indeed.

Let's analyze this status, shall we? First of all, I must--as an ex-English major--call attention to this person's embarrassing misuse of basic grammar and spelling. A "loner" car? Gee, with all the other cars on the road I find it hard to believe that any car could be lonely. Unless it's a Suburu Forester. Those things are butt ugly. Pink "kitty's" on the seat cover? Are you sure you don't mean kitties?

I think an appropriate punishment for this fellow's lack of attention throughout 18 years of English classes should be...driving a loaner car that has pink kitties on the seat covers and a pink butterfly in the window. Whaddaya say?

Agatha: you tell me you love me then have sex with my 'friend'???? Screw you both you sluts! I don't need either one of you!!! bye bye a-holes.

And this was the edited version!

Wow. If you're gonna make the classic mistake of posting something as your status what you meant for someone's wall, don't do it with something that makes you look like white trash. Crap like this belongs on some B-lister VH1 reality show at 2AM. Not my newsfeed.

2009-08-28T10:23:00.001-07:00

Agatha: 's water is watery. That's ka-blamo! Is this a quote from some obscure Cartoon Network show? Sounds like it. But I haven't watched CN since I was never, so I couldn't tell ya.

Meet Harvey and Agatha

2009-08-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

Since the true writers of forthcoming status updates will remain anonymous, it only makes sense that a scapegoat is necessary. After all, in this day and age, nothing is ever your fault, right? Got a 15 on the ACT? You must have incompetent teachers. Burned your tongue on hot coffee? Stupid McDonalds. Majored in liberal arts and now can't find a job? ...actually, that's all your fault. You should've known. Get a Master's.

Anyway, allow me to introduce you to Harvey and Agatha: our scapegoats. Quite possibly the two most undesirable baby names of 2009. And 10. And forever. For a very select few of you, however, the names Harvey and Agatha might ring a bell. If you were in Mrs. Madden's 6th grade class at McGraw Elementary, class of '00, then you should be well aware of who these folk are. Harvey and Agatha were the names that Mrs. Madden used whenever she wanted to address hypothetical situations. "Class, when Harvey goes to the bathroom without a bathroom pass, is he obeying the rules or breaking them?" "Class, when Agatha forgets to do her homework, is she being responsible or irresponsible?"

You get the drift.

Welcome to the blog, Harvey and Agatha. It's good to have you back.

By Way of Introduction...

2009-08-28T08:34:00.000-07:00

As an avid Facebooker, I'm constantly surprised at the status updates I see on a day-to-day basis. Some give away too much information (your eczema's flared up again? nice), some are uncomfortably personal (you've just taken your last anti-depressant? hmm... ), some are too emo...I'm sure you're well aware of the various infractions that occur.

I'm a firm believer that humor, next to love, is the world's greatest connector. When you share a laugh with someone, automatically all your differences, worries, and troubles melt away for a just a moment and your heart is made light.

So I've created this blog with the hope that we can all take a quick minute each day to laugh at ourselves. Every day, I'll post one FB status that made me giggle, cringe, or cock an eyebrow, along with a pithy snippet of commentary about it. Don't worry, each update will be anonymous and I'll never make fun of anybody's hurt, anguish, or pain.

If one day you discover that you wrote the status of the day, I hope you can take it in stride and laugh along with us. Public things are open to public scrutiny. That's the way the world works. And if you're not man (or woman) enough to take the heat...stick to Twitter. Because I don't have a Twitter account :)